Sometimes all you need is a little ass
I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer, as I struggle to pass a bar.
I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.
Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're…
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to…
Man – Can I buy you a drink? Woman – I think I’d rather have the money.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
What has four wheels and flies? A Garbage Truck
What do you call a Fish without an eye? A: A 'Fsh'!
Why do Farts stink? A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift up my leg and give you a shower.
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for 'Best Special Effects'.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and…
I wish that there was a restaurant named "I don't care" so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking…
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron… and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
Our house is child proof but they still get in.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
This shirt is ‘dry clean only’ — which means it’s dirty.
An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
I wonder what the word "dots" looks like in Braille.
I like to tease my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
When in doubt, mumble.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I love to stand behind people at ATMs and when they enter their PIN number, I say "got it" and…
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
If you say Omaha three times in the mirror, you can hear Tom Brady crying.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.