I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer, as I struggle to pass a bar.
I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.
Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're…
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to…
Man – Can I buy you a drink? Woman – I think I’d rather have the money.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
What has four wheels and flies? A Garbage Truck
What do you call a Fish without an eye? A: A 'Fsh'!
Why do Farts stink? A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift up my leg and give you a shower.
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for 'Best Special Effects'.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.