The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Never trust a man with short legs. His brain is too near his bottom.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.