“I need a shirt, but I also want to showcase how long my armpit hair is.” – Every guy who has bought a tank top
Seeing people at the gym in exceptionally good shape is so annoying. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird.
Bacon is the most beautiful thing on earth! Even frying bacon sounds like applause. YAY Bacon!
There should be a children’s song “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep.”
I think we can all agree that the turkey bacon experiment was a failure.
I just saw that minor league baseball players have filed a class-action lawsuit to demand better pay — as opposed to the OTHER way they could get better pay: being better at baseball.
A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region’s really angry about it — unless they’re downwind, then they’re totally cool.
Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, “10, 9, 8…”
Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.